I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What drink are we having for lunch?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
