it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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