youre lurking in front of me
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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