there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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