I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
