it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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