totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
