Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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