if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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