the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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