I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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