Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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