One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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