Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
