I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
