Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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