Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
