He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
