New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
