I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
