Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
