Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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