Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
sarcasm needs its own font
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
