No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
