So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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