Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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