Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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