I want to make a zoo with you.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize