I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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