she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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