So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
