Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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