A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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