So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize