Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
