I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
