Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize