My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
