I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize