It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
