Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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