Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
