you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
