You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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