we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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