Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
