every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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