about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
