Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The beer is more important than you right now.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
