i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
