I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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