im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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