Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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