Do you still have your period?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize