What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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