Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize