I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize