it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
