I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize