i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
