is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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