I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
We smell like vodka and hangover
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