We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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